My Boyfriend Watches Porn - What Should I Do?

Finding out that your boyfriend watches porn can be incredibly intimidating. With so much conflicting information available online, it’s hard to decide how to react to your boyfriend’s porn use. You might be feeling hurt, confused, insecure, saddened, or even betrayed.

No matter how you feel, those feelings are valid. It can be overwhelming.

In this article, we’ll help you understand a little more about pornography, explore some of the options available to you, and help you learn how to bring this up and have a conversation with your boyfriend about how you feel about him watching porn.

The Effect of Pornography on Relationships

Why does it matter if your boyfriend watches porn?

Although many online talk about pornography as if it’s a casual pastime, we know that, in reality, it does have affects on the brain and, therefore, on your relationship.

Pornography can create unrealistic expectations and false ideas about sex, which may not align with the realities of a healthy sexual relationship. This can result in feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and even decreased self-esteem; for both partners. Moreover, excessive pornography use is highly habit-forming, and can lead to a reduced desire for intimacy with a partner, as the individual may become desensitized to real-life sexual encounters, as well as decreased interest in work, school, or relationship responsibilities.

If you’re worried that your boyfriend watches an excessive amount of porn, or may even be addicted to it, you can learn more here.

Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn?

Understanding why people watch pornography is crucial in approaching the topic sensitively. Pornography use differs from person to person, but in most cases, it is less of a sexual issue and more of an emotion-processing issue. It’s much more likely that your boyfriend watches porn in an effort to cope with stress and his negative emotions, not because he has some kind of unspoken issue with you. In most cases, the individual has established a pattern of using pornography to cope with stress, loneliness, depression, anxiety, and etc. that has existed longer than his relationship with you.

If you’re worried that you somehow caused your boyfriend to have a problem with porn by not being enough in some way, let that thought go.

Pornography can serve various purposes for different individuals. Some may use it for sexual release, stress relief, or simply as a form of entertainment, not seeing it as something wrong or negative. You and your boyfriend may have differing beliefs about porn. It’s important to know where you stand on the issue, so that you can be adequately prepared to have a discussion about it.

Open Communication: Talking About the Issue with Your Boyfriend

Initiating an open and honest conversation about your boyfriend's pornography habits is crucial for addressing the issue. However, it's essential to approach this discussion with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but refrain from any kind of outburst. If you feel that you’re becoming overwhelmed, it’s totally okay to take a break and return to the conversation later.

Remember, the goal of this conversation is to foster understanding, empathy, and find a way forward as a couple. Approach it with a mindset of problem-solving rather than confrontation.

Some things to try

This conversation might be tricky, and will definitely be intimidating. We’ve provided some tips below to help you have a successful problem-solving session with your boyfriend, instead of potentially having meltdowns at each other.

• Choose the right time and place: Find a comfortable and private setting where both of you can openly express your thoughts and feelings without distractions or interruptions.
• Express curiosity, not judgment: Instead of making assumptions or passing judgment, approach the conversation with a genuine desire to understand. Ask open-ended questions to encourage dialogue and create a safe space for your boyfriend to share his perspective. For example, consider asking your boyfriend why he watches porn, and listening to his answer.
• Active listening: Pay close attention to what your boyfriend shares during the conversation. Practice active listening by paraphrasing and validating his feelings (like saying, ”so, it sounds like you’ve been watching porn because you feel a lot of pressure from work, and it helps you relax. Is that right?”), and by being vocal about your own feelings and opinions. This will help foster a sense of trust and encourage open communication.
• Use "I" statements: Start the conversation by sharing your feelings and concerns using "I" statements. This approach allows you to express your emotions without sounding accusatory. For example, it is much more helpful to say: “when I think about you watching porn, it makes me feel insecure because I compare my body and my sexual performance to the women/men in the videos, and I feel like I don’t measure up,” instead of saying, “you make me so mad when you watch porn.”
• Avoid ultimatums: While it's important to set boundaries (which we'll discuss in the next section), it's crucial to avoid issuing ultimatums during the initial conversation. Ultimatums—like telling your boyfriend he has to quit watching porn by next week or you’ll dump him—can escalate tensions and don’t contribute to the safe emotional space you want to create for these kinds of challenging conversations.

Be kind, but make sure to be honest about how you feel and what you believe about pornography. This will help you to create space for your boyfriend to do the same.

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The Next Step: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Something that will be incredibly helpful and positive for you in a situation where your boyfriend watches porn will be setting some healthy boundaries. Boundaries help define what is acceptable behavior within the relationship and ensure that both partners' needs are met. They aren’t about punishing bad behavior, or controlling either partner’s behavior, reactions, or emotions. They are simply to make sure that both of you are emotionally safe with each other.

Here are some action items to try as you work on building some boundaries:

1. Reflect on your own feelings and values. Take time to understand how your boyfriend's pornography habits make you feel and what you consider acceptable or unacceptable in your relationship. This self-reflection will help you communicate your boundaries more effectively.
2. Clearly express what behavior is acceptable to you and what is not. Make sure that your boundaries are realistic and fair.
3. Be open to negotiation. Listen to your boyfriend's perspective and work together to find compromises that work for both of you. This flexibility will help maintain a healthy balance in your relationship.
4. As your relationship evolves, it's important to revisit and reassess your boundaries periodically. Open communication and a willingness to adapt will ensure that your boundaries continue to meet the needs of both partners.

It’s important to set boundaries that will ensure that your boyfriend gets the help he needs, instead of keeping porn a secret between the two of you. It’s crucial to understand that porn is your boyfriend’s problem, not yours. It’s important for him to get qualified help in order to overcome a pornography habit, and being the only one he talks to about watching porn will put an unnecessary strain on your relationship. Encourage him to seek out recovery programs and groups that will meet his needs, and allow you to just play the role of loving and supportive partner, instead of having to be a therapist too.

Setting boundaries is not about controlling your boyfriend's behavior, or him controlling yours. It’s about creating an environment that fosters trust, respect, and emotional safety for both of you. It is a collaborative process that requires ongoing communication and understanding.

Getting Help: What’s Available to You

You are not the only one whose boyfriend watches porn. Unfortunately, this is a big issue in our hyper-sexual, hyper-digital society. While it’s sad that so many couples are struggling with this issue, the good news is that there are many resources available to help both your boyfriend and you.

It might be in the best interest of your relationship to pursue couples’ counseling, or to go to individual therapists. If your boyfriend watching porn is distressing to you, consider talking to a qualified therapist, or finding an online support group for yourself. While there are many Facebook groups and subreddits for people in your position, and these can be helpful, it’s always better to talk to someone qualified, or to a moderated support group.

There are plenty of resources for your boyfriend, too. Relay offers a one-of-a-kind pornography recovery app, where individuals can input their own recovery goals, and then be integrated into a support group of peers going through their same exact struggle. Those peers then work on their recovery goals together, and are able to give each other support and real-time advice.

Additionally, accountability partners can play a significant role in supporting your boyfriend's recovery. An accountability partner is someone he can confide in, who understands the challenges he faces, and can provide non-judgmental support. This person can be a trusted friend, mentor, or even a therapist who specializes in addiction recovery. It shouldn’t be you.

Seeking professional help or involving an accountability partner does not mean that you have failed in your relationship. On the contrary, it demonstrates your commitment to growth, healing, and finding solutions together.

Moving Forward in a Healthy Way

Once you’ve discovered that your boyfriend watches porn, you will need to embrace the challenges of open communication, being understanding, and having compassion. It's important to recognize the impact of pornography on relationships and approach the topic with empathy and non-judgment. By setting healthy boundaries, seeking professional help when needed, and standing up for your own feelings and emotions, you can navigate this difficult terrain together.

It's essential to prioritize your own mental wellness throughout this journey, and to be honest about your feelings and beliefs. Do your best to remember that your role is that of shoulder to lean on and a supporter, rather than a therapist or a fixer.

By fostering open communication, trust, and understanding, you can move forward in a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Embrace the complexities and challenges, and remember that you are not alone. Together, you and your boyfriend can overcome his struggle with pornography and build a stronger, more resilient connection.