My Wife Watches Porn - What Do I Do?

If you’ve recently found out that your wife watches porn, you might feel a little shaken. Maybe you have a history with pornography yourself, maybe you watched a little when you were younger, or maybe you’re one of the lucky few that has gone their whole lives without being impacted by pornography—until now.

Take a deep breath.

Just because your wife watches porn, that doesn’t mean that your relationship with her is over, or that she is anyone other than the loving partner you married. However, there may be some hard conversations you need to prepare yourself for. In this article, we’ll talk about what not to do in a situation where you’re struggling with your wife watching porn, as well as five helpful things to try. At the end, we’ll discuss some resources that are available to you as a couple impacted by pornography.

What Not to Do

First of all, try your best to avoid an emotional outburst. This may be incredibly challenging mental territory, but there are many options available to help both you and your wife. Avoid talking about this with others before you’ve discussed your concerns with your wife.

Keep yourself grounded in reality, and approach this issue with as much understanding as you can. The truth of the matter is that a lot of people watch porn, and don’t have an issue with it, but if you’re uncomfortable with your wife watching porn, then you owe it to yourself and to your relationship to address it.

Discovering that your wife watches porn can evoke a whirlwind of emotions, ranging from shock to insecurity, but it’s important to take the time to understand and process your own feelings as you prepare to have a conversation with her. Reflect on why this discovery is bothering you and identify the specific concerns you have. Is it a fear of inadequacy, a feeling of betrayal, or a potential threat to the intimacy you share?

Remember that your feelings are valid, even thought they may be different from other people in your same situation.

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What to Do: Five Action Items to Try

There are many reasons why individuals watch porn, and your wife is no different. Whether you simply want to understand, or if you’re distressed by this behavior and want to find a way to help her stop, the following five action items will help you to facilitate a conversation where the two of you can be honest about your feelings, and set some needed boundaries and goals.

Understand How You Feel

Feeling and understanding your emotions will allow you to approach a conversation with empathy and clarity.Once you have gained clarity about your own feelings and concerns, it is crucial to communicate them effectively to your wife. Choose a calm, private, and non-confrontational setting where both of you can openly express yourselves.

Prepare to ask questions and truly listen to the answers. If your wife watches porn, it’s likely that this might be a challenging conversation. It’s essential that you take the time to understand your own feelings and prepare to listen to hers.

Have an Open Conversation

Remember, the goal is to foster understanding and find a resolution together. By expressing your concerns honestly, you create an environment where open dialogue can take place. Avoid placing blame or being judgmental.

Consider using “I statements” to communicate effectively. It’s completely okay to plan a few of these ahead of time, as you prepare to talk to your wife about watching porn.

For example, avoid saying things like “You make me feel so bad about myself!”

Try this instead: “When I see you watching porn, I feel insecure because it makes me feel that I’m not meeting your needs.”

Many people watch pornography for different reasons. Consider asking your wife why she watches porn, and then listen with an open heart when she answers. This is a chance to learn about the person you love, and identify where the two of you can work together to change and fix some areas of your marriage that may be struggling or hurting. Whether it’s your sex life, your emotional availability, or the way your speak to each other, identifying and working on challenges within your relationship will help both you and your wife.

Don’t let this just be a one-time conversation. Keep communication lines open so that you and your wife will be able to work together to build a marriage without pornography.

Educate Yourselves

It’s hard to overcome something you know nothing about. Take the time, with your wife, to educate yourself. Understanding the potential impact of pornography on mental health, relationships, and personal well-being is essential for making informed choices. Exploring different perspectives on recovery from pornography habits—or even addiction—is important. Recognizing that recovery is not a one-size-fits-all approach will allow you to find strategies and support systems that align with your unique needs and goals. Educating yourselves on porn will help you to create a more empathetic and supportive environment.

Find informative articles to help both you and your wife learn here.

Support Her in Her Recovery

If your wife watches porn but wants to quit, you will need to make sure you’re there for her during the recovery process. It isn’t an easy journey, but it will be rewarding for the both of you.

Supporting your wife while she recovers from this habit (or even addiction) is incredibly important. Offering understanding, empathy, and encouragement can make a real difference for her. Your support will help her navigate through the tough times, setbacks, and triggers that come up, and create a safe space for her to express whatever emotion she’s feeling about the process of recovery. Not only that, but your bond will grow stronger as you both work towards a healthier and happier future.

Addressing concerns about your wife's pornography habits may require professional help and support. If the impact of pornography on your relationship is significant and causing distress, seeking the guidance of a licensed therapist, counselor, or quality support group can be beneficial. A professional can provide a neutral and safe space for both of you to explore and understand the underlying issues. They can also offer tools and strategies to navigate this complex topic and work towards healing and growth.

Focus on Connection by Setting Healthy, Positive Boundaries

It’s nearly impossible to quit porn by yourself. It’s important that your wife find a helpful support group with which to work on her recovery, and that you aren’t the one and only person she talks to about her journey. While your intentions are probably in the right place, there are many more qualified people who will be able to provide actionable help.

Relay has created a unique support-group-style recovery app where your wife can input her own goals, and then be put into a group to help her quit watching porn. That way, you can be there for her when she needs you, without your marriage needing to bear the added stress of playing the therapist.

Work together with your wife to set boundaries that will help her. Set a time to follow up with her about her about any victories or setbacks, and when it isn’t that time, allow yourself to focus on other things. Don’t make your marriage become all about your wife watching porn. Focus on connection within your marriage, and making time to do things that will bring you together.

Moving Forward in a Healthy Way

Discovering that your wife watches porn may uncover underlying issues and insecurities within your relationship. Use this opportunity to delve deeper into these issues and explore their roots. Are there unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, or emotional barriers that need attention? By addressing these underlying issues, you can strengthen the foundation of your relationship and promote healing.

Engaging in open, honest, and frequent conversations about your individual insecurities and vulnerabilities will help you to practice empathy and active listening to truly understand each other's perspectives. This process of exploration and self-reflection can lead to increased understanding, empathy, and growth as a couple.

Re-Building Trust

Unfortunately, feeling a sense of betrayed trust is fairly common in marriages affected by pornography. Learning that your wife watches porn may have shaken the trust and intimacy in your relationship for a moment, and that’s okay. It can come back. Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and consistent effort from both partners, but it is entirely worth the effort.

Engage in activities that foster trust, such as open communication, transparency, and following through on commitments. Show appreciation for each other's efforts and celebrate small victories along the way. Re-establishing intimacy requires vulnerability and a willingness to be emotionally present with each other. Engage in activities that promote emotional connection, such as date nights, engaging in shared hobbies, or simply spending quality time together.

Conclusion

Discussing your concerns about your wife watching porn is not an easy task, but it is a crucial step towards healing and growth in your relationship. By educating yourself, setting boundaries, and engaging in open communication, you can create a foundation for understanding and resolution.

Remember, each relationship is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to addressing this issue. Be patient, empathetic, and willing to adapt as you navigate this sensitive topic. With time, effort, and a commitment to fostering a healthy and intimate connection, you can overcome the challenges posed (or revealed) by your wife's pornography habits and strengthen your relationship.

Educate yourself, set boundaries, and be prepared to have challenging, vulnerable conversations. Consider having your partner try out Relay's unique pornography recovery app to help her quit. Together, you can embark on a journey of healing, growth, and deeper connection.

Some Resources for Married Couples Impacted by Pornography

• A helpful study from Psychology Today
• From Crisis to Connection, an educational podcast about pornography recovery from Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Geoff Steurer
• Relay’s How To Help Someone With a Pornography Addiction article