Why Does My Husband Watch Porn?

Discovering that your husband watches porn can invoke all kinds of emotions—most of them pretty negative. No matter how you’re feeling right now, remember that your feelings and reactions are valid.

Unfortunately, there is a considerable lack of education about pornography, and so you’re probably wondering, “why does my husband watch porn?” In this article, we’ll discuss some of the psychology behind pornography habits and addictions, to help you better understand why your husband watches porn, and then we’ll discuss what you can do about it, including giving you guidance as you prepare to have a conversation with your husband.

Is My Husband Watching Porn as Normal as Everyone Says It Is?

Many people see watching porn as something normal and part of everyday life. It has become widely accepted, with people often engaging in it without considering the potential consequences. In fact, you may have read some articles that made you feel crazy or overbearing for being affected by your husband watching porn.

Remember,  it isn’t normal for a spouse to feel totally fine with their husband watching porn.

Regardless of what you may have read, if you’re feeling hurt, confused, insecure, or maybe even betrayed, that’s alright. If your husband watches porn, it does not mean **your marriage is doomed. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. But it does mean that there may be things going on under the surface that need to be addressed, and some hard conversations the two of you may need to have.

But that’s alright. Hard conversations and challenging obstacles are an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your husband, and fortify your marriage.

What Are Some of the Effects of Porn?

Research shows that regularly watching porn can have long-term effects on the brain and relationships. Over time, pornography can desensitize the pleasure receptors in the brain, leading to a need for more and more explicit content in order to achieve the same level of arousal. This can distort one's view of sex and intimacy, making it harder to form and maintain healthy relationships based on real emotional connection.

Additionally, *excessive* porn consumption can cause feelings of guilt, shame, and insecurity, which can strain existing relationships. It's important to recognize and address these potential effects to have healthier attitudes toward sex and more fulfilling relationships.

If you feel that your husband’s porn habits are excessive, and that he may be displaying traits of addiction, you can find help and more information here.

Why Does My Husband Watch Porn?

Though there are many things that can cause or encourage a pornography habit, there isn’t always a straightforward answer to this question. While this list may not be able to provide solid, factual, answers, it can provide some things to keep in mind as you process how you feel about your husband watching porn, as well as when you speak to him about it.

Here are some of the most common reasons that individuals struggle with pornography, and one or more of them may be the reason why your husband watches porn:

1. Escapism and Emotional Regulation: People may turn to pornography as a way to escape from stress, anxiety, or other complex negative emotions in their lives. Some individuals may use pornography as a means of regulating their emotions, seeking temporary relief or distraction from negative feelings.
2. Curiosity and Exploration: Curiosity about sex and a desire for exploration can lead individuals to seek out pornographic material, instead of having the courage to invite exploration within a committed relationship.
3. Easy Access: The internet has made porn readily accessible, overexposure making it easier for individuals to develop habitual pornography use, or even addictive patterns in some cases.
4. Loneliness and Isolation: Feelings of loneliness and isolation can contribute to the development of a porn habit, as individuals seek feelings of connection and intimacy through pornography.
5. Coping Mechanism: Pornography can become a coping mechanism for dealing with past traumas, unresolved emotional issues, or other underlying problems.
6. Cultural and Social Factors: Societal norms, media influence, and peer pressure can contribute to the normalization and acceptance of pornography, making it more likely for individuals to develop habits of watching pornography.
7. Dopamine Release: The brain releases a huge spike of dopamine when engaging in pleasurable activities, and watching pornography is no different. Although it is followed by a steep crash, over time, the brain can become dependent on this dopamine release, pushing the individual to seek more and more porn, regardless of the crash they feel afterwards.
8. Relationship Issues: Difficulties in relationships, such as intimacy issues, communication problems, or a lack of emotional connection can lead individuals to seek gratification in the momentary pleasure provided by pornography.
9. Lack of Awareness: Some people may not be aware of the negative consequences associated with excessive pornography consumption, leading them to develop an addictive patterns unknowingly. You and your husband may simply have different views on porn—he may not have been educated about how harmful it can be, and may be unaware of the consequences of his actions.

While this is in no means an exhaustive list, hopefully it will provide some insight into some of the potential reasons that your husband has been watching porn.

What Can I Do About It?

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed or intimidated when you think about talking to your husband about his porn use, or working with him on changing his behavior. Maybe you’ve been taken in by the statements of others online that if you’re worrying about your husband doing something that’s so normal, then the problem must be you.

This is not the case.

Talk to Him About It

Open and honest communication is essential in any relationship, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like pornography. If you are stressed or concerned that your husband watches porn, it is crucial to voice those concerns. By expressing your feelings, you can foster an atmosphere of trust, vulnerability, and understanding within the relationship, that your husband will benefit from as well.

Although this conversation might be challenging, it’s important to…

• have the talk in a private space where the both of you can be vulnerable and open.
• do not tolerate emotional outbursts from either party. It’s okay to put a pin in the conversation and come back to it later once emotions have calmed, if need be.
• be honest and open about how you feel and why. Consider using “I statements,” so that you can help your husband understand your perspective without placing blame or being judgmental.
• listen to your husband’s perspective. Although you may have been hurt by his actions, it’s important not to vilify him or think that he intentionally set out to hurt your feelings. Ask him why he watches porn, and then listen with an open heart while he answers.
• be ready to work. Conversations like these may reveal pain points or insecurities within your marriage, so it’s crucial that you and your husband are ready to work together to fix the issues you may unearth.
• keep the communication lines open! These conversations are the most useful if you can return to them, celebrating with your husband as he makes goals to move away from pornography.

Discussing the impact of pornography on the emotional intimacy, trust, and overall well-being of the marriage allows both partners to address the issue together. It provides an opportunity for your husband to understand your concerns, reflect on his behavior, and work towards finding healthier ways to cope with any underlying emotional issues. Having these conversations—frequently and with empathy—can strengthen the bond between you, foster mutual support, and pave the way for healing and growth within your marriage.

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Encourage Him to Seek Recovery

In a marriage context, you have the right to make requests of your husband, and asking that he give up pornography is a request that will not only improve the quality of your marriage, but also benefit his mental health and overall wellbeing, as well as yours. Encourage your husband to seek qualified help from a therapist, counsellor, online support group or recovery program. It may be helpful to consider couples’ counseling if the problem continues.

It’s important that you are his cheerleader and supporter in his journey towards a life free from pornography… but not his therapist.

Trying to play both the role of the loving and encouraging spouse, and the therapist to which he is accountable, will add an unnecessary strain on your relationship. While your intentions are probably in the right place, it is important to encourage your husband to seek healing from qualified professionals such as therapists, recovery programs, or support groups. Meeting with a couples’ therapist may help you and your husband adjust to a life and marriage free from pornography.

Relay has created a unique online recovery program where your husband can input his own recovery goals, and then work together with a team of other people in his same exact situation to meet those goals. Do your best to be there for him in times when he fails to meet a goal, and to celebrate with him when he accomplishes a milestone, or feels the urge to watch porn but doesn’t give in.

Moving Forward in a Positive Way

If your husband watches porn, it does not mean your marriage is doomed. Ignore the messages that tell you you’re overbearing or intolerant for wanting him to change—since you’re married, you have the right to work together with your spouse on the areas of your marriage that are causing you stress.

There is hope for both you and your husband. As you open up the communication lines and encourage him to seek recovery, you will be able to live a much more positive life together, growing stronger in your bond as you work together to live a life free from pornography.