7 ways to find an accountability partner to quit porn

Have you been trying to quit porn for a long time with little success? Maybe you’ve used a porn blocker, maybe you’ve tried prayer or religion, or maybe you’ve just been working with willpower alone. While all of these are good and helpful, you’re now realizing that you need something outside yourself to remind you and motivate you to stop using pornography.

You need an accountability partner.

We’ve been there, and that’s a discouraging moment when you realize you can’t do it alone. It brings many questions, like “Who can help me?” and  “What if they judge me?” Those questions can be paralyzing, and your doubts can keep you from finding an accountability partner for a long time. Commit to yourself, right now, to find someone who can help you quit porn. It’s not as scary as you think - you can do it in less than 5 minutes!

Once you’re set on working with an accountability partner to quit porn (and if you need more convincing, read our article Why You Need a Support Group to Stop Masturbating), you should

1. Choose your accountability partner right away.
2. Contact them as soon as possible.

If you wait, doubts can creep in, and your resolve can waver. If you start now, you’ll be set - once you have that person or people, they will help you conquer doubt; they will keep you going!

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Choose Your Accountability Partner to Quit Porn

From my own experience and from talking to many others who’ve gone through the porn recovery journey, I’ve seen a variety of accountability partners. Some are clearly more helpful than others, so this list ranks them on the most important factors based on what we’ve seen and learned from friends and acquaintances who quit porn.

Here are the 7 ways to find an accountability partner to quit porn, ranked from least effective to most effective:

Least effective:

1. Spouse / Girlfriend / Boyfriend
2. Family Member
3. Friend
4. Online Forum
5. Religious Leader
6. Therapist
7. Support Group

Here is a helpful table to show why we’ve ranked them this way:

Let’s talk through each category of accountability partner and discuss the pros and cons of that type.

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Spouse / Girlfriend / Boyfriend

Your spouse or partner is (hopefully) your biggest fan. Whether they’re supportive of your recovery right now, or even if they're feeling betrayed by your behavior, your spouse is really invested in helping you quit porn. They care about you, and more importantly, they care about improving your marriage and your sexual relationship. But...

Should your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend be your porn accountability partner? Probably not. Leading marriage therapists, family groups, and web filters agree that there is too much emotional baggage attached to the process of overcoming a pornography habit. You might confide everything else to your partner, but in this area, it’s often very difficult to have healthy accountability with a spouse or bf/gf.

Try as they might to avoid it, your partner might possibly feel hurt when you tell them you’ve looked at porn again, and that hurt could take a toll on your relationship. To avoid that, you might find yourself hiding the fact that you relapsed today — which destroys the effectiveness of an accountability partner. So, even if your partner is supportive and wants to stay updated on your progress, they probably shouldn’t play the role of your main or primary accountability supporter.

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Family Member

That makes sense, but what about your family? They love you, and they want to help you achieve your goals. They might even have shared values and beliefs (religious or otherwise) that are driving you to quit porn.

You might have already tried this, but if you haven’t told your family about your porn habit yet, be prepared for a totally different reaction than what you expect. Some family members will overreact, perhaps permanently judging you for what they see as terrible behavior. On the other hand, some might under-react, telling you “that’s not a problem”, “don’t worry about it”, “porn is natural”, and other myths that you and many others already know are false.

Either way, a family member can be a good part of your support system, but probably shouldn’t be your first go-to person. You need an accountability partner who’s aligned with your goals and won’t hold difficult moments against you.

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Friend

The natural next person to think of is a friend or other confidante. They care about you almost as much or maybe even more than family, and they’re there for you in many other ways already. Sharing your struggle with porn might be easier with a friend than with others in your life.

On the other hand, they might experience the same emotional strain as a spouse or family member - though it’s less likely, your friend still knows you well and might judge you in a way that impacts your relationship. Even if that doesn’t happen, it might be difficult for your friend to know how to help you when it’s not something they deal with themselves. What’s more, they might not be able to take your call on Thursday at 11pm when you’re struggling.

A friend can certainly be a good part of your support system, if you choose the right friend, but the best accountability will likely come from a broader group who knows what you’re going through first-hand.

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Online Forum

Reddit NoFap, Facebook groups, BlockerX, Fortify, Remojo...there are many online forums with millions of people working to quit porn, and maybe you’re a part of one. If so, you can see the good they do; it’s really great to have a group of people all working toward the same goal, and you feel a lot less isolated there.

However, the major downside to using online forums or people you meet on online forums as an accountability partner is that unlike family or friends, they don’t have a deep connection with you, and it’s hard to build that connection in a big community. Unsurprisingly, chatting with u/robotsquirrel123 in a forum thread for a few minutes doesn’t tend to produce lasting, meaningful connection or accountability.

You might find a person to text or DM, but like an existing friend, they might not be there right when you need it. Worse, you could fall victim to scamming or phishing if you’re not careful. Online forums are great, and they can help in the recovery process, but not as an accountability partner.

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Religious Leader

You may want to quit porn in part because of your religious beliefs. If so, you might naturally think of a religious leader as a porn accountability partner. A pastor, bishop, youth group leader, or other trusted figure would be someone who shares your standards and wants you to succeed, and can avoid judging you because of your confessions. It can be a huge relief and blessing to open up to a trusted religious leader and have their support and guidance.

One caveat is religious leaders often don’t have specific training for pornography recovery. They will provide solutions like prayer and studying holy works, which are really helpful. However, for the best accountability partner, you may want someone who understands the chemical and psychological difficulties of porn recovery, likely through personal experience. Also, they tend to be pretty busy with the needs of their congregation, which can make it hard to reach them right when you need them, especially if you relapse regularly.

That said, if you're religious, a religious leader can be an extremely helpful part of your journey to quit porn. We would suggest including them along with other resources below!

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Therapist

You might be surprised to know that there are many therapists out there who specialize in porn recovery.  They’ve studied the chemical and psychological aspects of this problem deeply, and they work with many clients to help them through this process, so there’s a high chance they can make a significant positive impact on your journey to quit porn.

As good as therapists are, there are three problems with using a therapist as your primary accountability partner. First, therapists are really expensive - often hundreds of dollars a month for a few hours of time. Second, it takes a long time to even get to a therapist; with high demand since the COVID-19 pandemic, they often have waitlists 6-8 months long. Finally, and most importantly, a therapist can’t be there for you 24/7. Their schedules are full of meetings, and they expect to be paid for each interaction with clients. That makes it hard to connect when you’re really tempted or vulnerable.

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Support Group

If all those other types of accountability partner can be problematic, what is the best way to find a porn accountability partner? A support group! Support groups have been trusted, successful methods to make change across a variety of struggles and addictions, including pornography. Psychologists have found that connection is the opposite of addiction, and connecting with peers who are in the same boat can be the most powerful form of connection.

Why are support groups the best way to find a porn accountability partner?

1. They can be anonymous. Even if you meet in person, groups like “Sex Addicts Anonymous” even show in their name that it’s easy to join a group without sharing your full identity.
2. They build deep connections. Just a few weeks of shared vulnerability - where you open up your heart and both give and receive support - creates strong bonds.
3. They create safe spaces. Because everyone is in the same boat, in a support group will judge you for your struggles or shame you for relapsing.
4. They understand your problem. They have all been there, done that, and they know what the porn recovery journey is like. And because they understand, they might have ideas and insights that could be helpful for you.
5. You can get 24/7 support. When you have 5+ people who are all committed to helping you, even if a few of them don’t see your midnight text for help, the one or two who do are ready to jump on and help you through it. To get real accountability and support, there is safety in numbers. as long as you have a real relationship with each of them.

The best type of support group also includes a digital component - an online support group. If your group only meets once a week and doesn’t have a way to communicate and support each other outside of that meeting, you’ll miss out on that key element of 24/7 support.

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Try an Online Support Group to Find a Porn Accountability Partner

We’ve walked through many types of porn accountability partners, and we’ve seen that a support group, especially an online support group, is most effective. But how do you join a support group?

One way is to find an organization that supports or creates them - the Samson Society, Sex Addicts Anonymous, LiveFreeCommunity, and Husband Material are great examples. Most of those organizations have a specific religious affiliation, but as long as you’re okay with that, it’s a great place to look. Some are free, and some are paid, but I would suggest that you don’t walk away from a group just because it costs money; because everyone there has skin in the game, those groups tend to have the people who are most committed to change.

An easier way to connect is to go directly to an app that places you into an online support group for porn recovery. I’m partial to the app I built, Relay, because I created it specifically to match people looking for a porn accountability partner into support groups.

After I went through the recovery journey myself, including therapy groups, I realized that technology could help us stay much more connected than a once-a-week Zoom meeting. My team and I created Relay to take the fear, awkwardness, and difficulty out of finding a team of others in the same boat and help people like me leverage that team to boost our support system. If you want to learn more before you try it, learn more here.

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